Soon

The kids go back to school soon, less than a month. For the first time in a year and a half.

I think, on that first day they are in school and she is working in the office, I'm going to call in sick and just…

cry.

I haven't been alone, not truly alone, since before I lost control of my feelings for you. It's been so long I've held them, no possibility of expressing them to you, no possibility of grieving the loss of something I never even had in the first place. Always putting on my best face, always pretending to be the same happy-go-lucky guy I've always been. Trying to fight the urge to love you, wrestling with the guilt of not loving her anymore… Holding it all in because I'm too fucking weak to tell either one of you.

So I think I'm going to finally just cry, when finally I can, when I'm finally alone long enough. I'm hoping against hope that it's cathartic. That it helps me move on. That after getting it out, I'll be able to find love for her again. That it'll help me acknowledge to myself that you were never a possibility for me. Even if I was dreaming of your eyes decades before we ever even met…

Because nothing else has worked so far. Because I've been ready to drop everything for you the moment you expressed any sort of interest… and you never have. Because I have been lost for more than a year and I desperately need to find myself again. Because I can't bear to hurt her. Because I don't want to scare you. Because I can't just be a shell anymore…

Soon. God, I can't wait.